101 Best Real Estate Jokes That Are Actually Funny

101 Best Real Estate Jokes That Are Actually Funny

There are few things as disarming as good real estate jokes.

Use these real estate jokes as ice breakers during conversations, in email signatures, or to expand your social media presence.

These are the best real estate jokes you’ll find on the web.

One-Liner Real Estate Jokes

Tell these fast, furious one-liners at parties or to break the ice.

A landowner was having a hard time subdividing a piece of property in Manhattan. He asked a realtor if she could help, but she said there was no way. “The problem,” she said, “is that it’s a piece of prime real estate.”

If you ever feel like no one cares, miss a mortgage payment.

A man’s home is considered his castle — in a manor of speaking.

Yesterday, someone ran into my real estate agency and yelled, “Nobody move!”

“Did you know property appraisers always carry a bee? Because the value is always in the eye of the Bee Holder.” —Keron Howe, Property Nation

“Finally figured out how to make a quick million bucks in real estate. Start out with 2 million, and no time at all, you’ll have a million left!” —Catherine Mack, House Buyer Network

“Here in Florida, we have alligators who actually own rental properties. We call them invest-igators.” —Jeff Cody, Next Bridge Home Solutions

A bit in de-Nile

“I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings, but it turned out to be just a pyramid-selling scheme.” —Sara Graves, USTitleLoans

“A real estate agent sold me a two-story house—one story before the sale and the other after it.” —John Riedl, Easy Cash Offer Florida

90% of people hate carpeting. The other 10% hate your carpeting.

If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank 300 grand, that’s the bank’s problem.

“I need a raise in my commission,” the Realtor said to her Managing Broker. “There are four other companies after me.” “Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

I’m no photographer, but I can picture you in this house.

If you ever get locked out of your house… Talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.

It can be an AirBNB

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern… She was possessed by an entrepreneurial spirit.

It’s difficult to explain the carcinogenic siding on my house. But I can try asbestos I can.

The realtor says that my house is haunted. That’s weird; I’ve lived here 345 years and never seen a thing.

I changed all of the filters in my house today. The difference was really a breath of fresh air.

I hate going to M.C. Hammer’s house… He won’t let me touch anything.

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins… For all intents and porpoises.

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true: You can’t win a mall.

Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season. But she said, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

My job is selling houses in places like Narnia, Middle-Earth, Neverland, Oz, and Wonderland. I’m a Not Real Estate Agent.

Q&A Real Estate Jokes

These set-up, knock-down jokes are a great way to get people quickly engaged. Use during a presentation or speech.

Q: What pasta is always getting locked out of its house?

A: Gnocchi!

Q: What do you call a pirate who designs houses?

A: An arrrgchetect!

Q: What gives you the power and strength to walk through walls?

A: A door!

Q: What room has no walls?

A: A mushroom!

Q: How do you warm up a room after it’s been painted?

A: Give it a second coat!

Q: Why did the real estate agent cross the road?

A: To get to the open house!

Q: What did the real estate agent say when he saw a giant mouse at an open house?

A: “Looks like we have a rat race on our hands!”

Q: Why was the real estate agent so worried about his new listing?

A: Because it was a house of cards!

Q: How does a dual agent sleep?

A: On one side and then the other.

Q: Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the condo?

A: It was last but not leased.

Q: How do you make money with real estate coaching?

A: By becoming the coach.

Q: What is a Realtor’s favorite Christmas song?

A: For Lease Navidad.

Q: What do great, affordable contractors have in common with UFOs?

A: Neither has ever been seen.

Q: How many insects do you need to profit from a rental?

A: Ten-ants

Q: Why don’t hipsters sell riverfront properties?

A: They’re too current.

Q: Why should you always go for listings with finished basements?

A: They’re the best cellars.

Q: Did you hear about the homeowner who wanted a new roof?

A: He didn’t get it — it was over his head.

Q: Why can’t you sell an open floor plan to zombies?

A: They hate seeing the living room.

Q: Why shouldn’t you sell cemetery plots?

A: They’re a dying business.

Q: Why was the rich woman drawn to real estate?

A: She had impeccable manors.

Q: What genre of music do realtors love?

A: House music.

Q: Why did the realtor pick up the empty cup of coffee?

A: It was a vacant latte.

Q: Why did the realtor hide his license?

A: He wanted to be a secret agent.

Q: Why did the realtor’s wedding take too long and cost too much?

A: Mostly the concessions.

Q: What does a realtor with bad communication skills say?


Q: What is homesickness?

A: The feeling you get when you realize your mortgage is due.

…And More…

Q: A realtor asked my wife and me whether we had considered moving houses.

A: We said, “No, we hate mobile homes.”

Q: Why should you always look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns?

A: You could accidentally vote for a real estate agent.

Q: Why couldn’t the trucker sell his house?

A: He insisted on being paid for the long haul ways.

Q: Why should you buy a house in Mexico?

A: So you don’t Peso much.

Q: Want to know where the property line is?

A: Watch your neighbor cut the grass.

Q: Why did the neighbors have a dispute?

A: The lawn sprinkler was always on — it was constant irrigation.

Q: What’s the minimum down payment to buy an apartment?

A: A condo-minium.

Q: What’s the best board game about buying real estate?

A: Truthfully, Hasbro has a Monopoly.

Q: Why was the neighborhood so popular with cats?

A: It needed nine lives to pay it off.

Q: What did the realtor do when he discovered his buyer’s house had flooded?

A: Sell him a houseboat.

Q: What did the real estate agent say to the ghost on Halloween?

A: “Boo! It’s time to buy a house!”

Q: When is a real estate listing too good?

A: When the seller decides not to sell.

Q: What did the land developer have to be grateful for?

A: Lots!

Q: Why did the realtor keep calling their ex?

A: They needed closure.

Q: Why did the snobby Realtor turn down a glass of Country Time Tea?

A: They only drink realty.

Q: And what does a British real estate agent care most about?

A: His proper-tea.

Q: What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

A: Sherlock Homes.

Q: There are three things verbose realtors should keep in mind…

A: Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.

Q: Why are vampire realtors good at selling houses?

A: They’re good at ceiling deals.

Q: Why did the real estate company hire the periodic table elements?

A: They have a lot of properties.

Q: What kind of real estate agent shouldn’t you mess with?

A: The one that flips houses.

Q: Why did the house visit a doctor?

A: It had a windowpane.

Q: Why don’t real estate companies go out of business?

A: They’re never out of commission.

Q: Why did the new real estate agent go on a boat?

A: He was a sailors agent.

Q: Why did the real estate agent read a purchase and sale agreement out loud?

A: It was a PSA.

Q: What happens when you get engaged to the best real estate agent?

A: He sells you the engagement ring.

Q: How do real estate agents greet each other?

A: Hey, house it going?

Q: Why did the real estate agents walk into a door?

A: They tried to do a walk-through.

Q: What caused the house to celebrate its owners?

A: Appreciation.

Q: Why did the real estate agent put a bee in the client’s hand?

A: Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Q: What kind of monster eats houses?

A: God-Zillow.

Q: Did you hear about Robin Hood’s house?

A: It has a Little John.

— Lighter Side of Real Estate

Q: Did you hear about the maintenance-free house?

A: Yep, it’s never been maintained.

— Lighter Side of Real Estate

Q: What kind of dress does a house wear?

A: An address.

Q: Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?

A: Because he was a loaner.

—Rogers Healy Real Estate

Q: Why don’t real estate agents read novels?

A: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

Social Media Real Estate Jokes

Share these curated real estate jokes with your followers.

Story Time Real Estate Jokes

These longer jokes are perfect for a long conversation, email, or physical newsletter.

A tour guide was leading a group of tourists through some of the most beautiful sights and sounds in France. One of the stops was a majestic, ancient castle in the countryside.

“This castle was built nearly 900 years ago,” said the guide. “All of the features are original—not one wall has been altered, and not a single stone has been changed. There has been not a single upgrade, superficial or functional, in all these years.”

When the tour guide said this, a man in the group nudged his wife and whispered in her ear: “Gosh honey, they must have the same landlords we do.”

—Marina Vaamonde, HouseCashin

A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House.

A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”

The realtor says, “Bro, chure.”

But how many…

“How many real estate agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

“It takes just one realtor to screw your quality bulb into the gold-plated chandelier hanging from your vaulted ceiling with crown moldings and skylights in your English Tudor home located in an upscale neighborhood with a private lake and golf course. Must see!”

A small real estate broker was dismayed when a brand-new real estate franchise, much like his own, opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read “BEST AGENTS.”

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading “LOWEST COMMISSIONS.”

The small real estate broker panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own brokerage.


—Valorie Easter, eXp Realty

Conclusion: Laughing breaks the tension

Real estate is high stakes. There’s thousands of dollars at play. Telling good real estate jokes at the right times can help you cut through the tension — and create a moment that’s memorable.

Kyle Handy

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I’ve helped hundreds of real estate agents, team leaders, & brokers all over the country increase their sales, online presence, and create scalable systems. I would love the opportunity to work with you. Together, we can make this year your best yet!

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